kayne monster

we didn't need those things

in the middle of a sentence my mouth is moving but my mind stops itself and says "what the fuck am i jabbering about" it doesn't make any sense and its too late. the damage is done and i can't rewind. a fool again and again and again and its always too late.

not saying anything is really the best way to communicate but then i'm branded as boring and i honestly don't know which is worse. boring or crazy

just bring out the 45 of freddy king and call it a day

since it was the best thing to happen to me today

as opposed to the other thing...waiting on the train track in drizzly weather cold and essentially abandoned somewhere out in long island

freddy king and you. does it really get any better

smile booby

i went to this dance meditation class a few weeks ago and i experienced a feeling like never before. i found my playfulness surface so easily, with such a little amount of effort.

my inhibitions did not exist, sober and present. i fell into my 8 year old little girl arms waving up and down, feet running full out, smiling, laughing out loud, dancing almost. getting off on my own energy and the people around me. exposing it all right there, not being cool or the least bit collected. reckless even, i tell everyone to please love me because its all i got

4:27am i put on some nina simone live at the village gate or early rolling stones (the song angie kills me every time) and feel this insatiable urge to paint. anything... canvas, my walls, most recently my medicine cabinet. if i weren't so alone it could be on you... so here i go, inspired by dali's little ashes flick:

the only thing that blinds me is the sun

the only thing i lose is hanging on to a thread

i fear the only option is to be moved

i believe the only way is towards you

the swinging motion that runs through my veins screams blue

i want to feel whole again and its only one way

i want to scream for confusion and mistakes

but i move closer to the flame and

it burns me

the ashes fall from my waist

they dance around me like desperate butterflies

wanting to get out of a jar thats just been caught

i want to feel the freedom drip slowly down my back

and have you blow on it

i miss it i miss you

and my heart falls to the side

for the ashes have consumed me

reich

Your life will be good and secure when aliveness will mean more to you than security; love more than money; your freedom more than public opinion.

-wilhelm reich

If we were standing in your physical shoes, that would be our dominant quest: Entertaining Yourself, pleasing Yourself, connecting with Yourself, being Yourself, enjoying Yourself, loving Yourself. Some say, "Well, Abraham you teach selfishness. And we say, yes we do, yes we do, yes we do, because unless you are selfish enough to reach for that connection, you don't have anything to give anyone, anyway. And when you are selfish enough to make that connection -- you have an enormous gift that you give everywhere you are.

--- Abraham

x & o

Creating anything and sharing it takes a lot of courage.  Putting a part of yourself out there to be criticized and critiqued is true bravery.  As soon as I find myself racing towards judgement, 

I think... 

I wish I had the balls to live like them. 

eyes of love

philadelphia

i remember the nights we'd listen to wilco the ghost is born cd,  get high and make love.  after a late night out from shared glasses of sake from the dumpling place on university thats no longer there.  its been years since i've seen you. but somehow there still seems to be this memory that makes me smile,  as i wonder how phillys treating you.  

remember when we'd get stoned and listen to the wilco cd, a ghost is born? fuck..why do i still about that

there are times when i really feel universally connected with everything. absolute happiness and appreciation for the moment, in the moment.  i say thank you in my mind over and over again. thanking whatever force at work that grants me the honor of bringing this feeling to me or more kindly, thanking myself for allowing it.  giving it all up in order to get it all.  its funny how things work sometimes. you wrestle with letting go of anything and it ricochets back at you with more intensity than ever.  with everything, let go of money, let go of media, let go of people, let go of security, and then i promise you will find yourself sitting in the best position possible.  one of internal strength. no external reinforcement necessary to solidify how great you are.  

you feel your own greatness. 

"bull farting" how awesome is this sculpture

i was on a rooftop in brooklyn, 1 in the morning.  i saw the five bridges and watched the lights flash in manhattan and you were saying something....    holy shit! i was in my favorite song!

the next night p and i went to an all girls roller derby, thanks to andy   

ok. i'm so not into what the next best things are. i don't care like i don't care whether i have TV or not and since the digital explosion its totally absent from my life and that is good. well, the dead weather, it makes me feel a little bit like the way i felt first listening to sonic youth in my childhood bedroom. wet, gushy and inspired. they are great. and i'm not arguing with you about it. pure creativity is not meant to be pretty. it should be dirty and raw

hhhhhip hop

sometimes i get dressed in my sluttiest little number and
dance for hours alone in my dark bedroom to this...
oooooooh yeah and you know its the truth

love the shit out of you

so i met this guy soliel i'm not sure how to say his name, its isreali. i screw it up at every opportunity and to his face. soleil, shouele, something with an S and an L and a little screwy 'ule at the end.

well anyway, he says to me, how old are you? because you act really young. i thought to myself, i am the most bizarre person. i thought, i act young because everything is a new experience to me. not intentionally but accidentally. like i forget to remember how things are so the experience is always my first introduction to it. thats why i'll be 14 when i'm 68. its my numeralical-clizmic number. it's my "i'll never grow the fuck up, i'll never get a real job, i'll never do what i'm told, i'll always have dessert before dinner, i'll always find new ways to loiter in the middle of the street, i'll always believe that too much of a good thing is wonderful" number.

to my loving refrigerator

i have this new song for midibear, i wish you could hear it.
it goes something like this:
"you small guy but you've got big heart
you small guy but you've got big heart
midibear midibear i mean be fo' real
you small guy but you've got big heart"
(with asian inflection)
i sing it to him all the time, actually i think this song will be his new complete name.
that's it, inspirational moment, i'm having a party to inaugurate midibear's new name and it's a song!
i'll let the vet know so when they confirm an appt., they'll have to say his full name or else i'll refuse to acknowlegdge him being clientele.

With love, always and in all ways.

the sun and the soil

i fall in love so many times in one day. the person that smiles at me when i pass them, a dog lapping water on a hot day, when i'm on the phone and i can sense an inner smile on the other end, holding your mail while fumbling for the keys, missing the last step while going downstairs to the chinese restaurant, taking a picture of your little feet, all of this kills me and i fall in love over and over and over again.

last night was no exception

these made me laugh so hard, i dont know why i'm still laughing, refrigerator

do you love midibear

its the way i feel its what i want

its the way i feel its what i want

roll down the window

when i see this picture it makes me want to cry. one winter day as i was leaving upstate he was staring up at me through the car window. best buddy going far far away..no more snowy hikes, no more side lap bacon scrapes, no more bed snuggling. that's all.  like somethings; just run their course and you know inherently when its time to pick up and walk away

so ridiculously funny, laugh

smile

(631) 878-5867

i went skydiving with robby on sunday. it was the most exhilarating experience of my life and for about 15 seconds after having thought i lost my mind a wave of absolute clarity came over me 30,ooo feet in the air.  we are supposed to experience tremendous joy. thats all.